Something I was taught by my good friend and mentor Bill Gaultiere is that we can learn a lot about concepts through the via negativa, or understanding what they are not. With that in mind, here are a few important things to remember about the nature of forgiveness — what it is and what it isn’t. First of all, forgiveness is not excusing or overlooking. In other words, it’s not making light of something that was indeed very hurtful or damaging, and it’s certainly not pretending that it didn’t happen. On the contrary, in order to forgive, we must be willing to feel the full extent of our wound so we can fully let it go. Second, forgiving is not forgetting. While God has the ability to see us through the lens of Jesus and to remember our sins no longer, that isn’t entirely the case for us as humans. Trying to forget means denying or shoving down our pain, neither of which is healthy. On the other hand, forgiveness means that we assume a posture of humility that is willing to let go, even though the wounding was real. Finally, forgiveness may not include reconciliation. While we must forgive in order to reconcile, reconciliation isn’t always possible, especially when the offender continues in their destructive ways. The Lord gives us wisdom, and He teaches us to guard our hearts, which may require that we create space between ourselves and those who consistently and unrepentantly cause damage to our physical, emotional or spiritual well-being.

My friend, you are always called to forgive, but you are not always called to restore unhealthy relationships. Like Jesus did, you are empowered to set boundaries with those who seek to manipulate you so you can maintain freedom and continue fruitfully in the Kingdom work He’s called you to. As His disciple, the posture of your heart should be ever-willing to let go of offense, but as one who is wise, you understand that doing so doesn’t happen instantly nor does it demand that you deny destructive behavior. You are shrewd as a serpent but gentle as a dove, so you can show compassion, kindness, and mercy to the least-deserving while diligently guarding your soul. Forgive lavishly but reconcile responsibly and the broken world will change as a result.